Somewhere in America, somebody snaps and the notion is reaffirmed in the public psyche that there is no such thing as a disgruntled hero. The editor of the cash-strapped local paper worries that declining circulation will cost him his job and chooses alliteration over accuracy and "Dynamite Dick Detonates, Deals Death" becomes the headline above the story on the tragic incident.
The explosive material was in fact C-4 and not dynamite. Nor was it in the shape of a penis but rather a lump of plastic explosive molded to fit the interior of a codpiece the perpetrator purchased at from a crafts booth at the Renaissance Faire. However, it did detonate and it did deal death. The headline was therefore half factual, putting it on a par with the rest of the article.
What really happened is an all-too familiar story. Kurt Kurtz is fired after being repeatedly warned to remove the animal-porn screensaver from the computer in his cubicle. After being denied unemployment benefits because he was dismissed for misconduct, he vows revenge. He straps a bomb to his crotch and drives to his former workplace, hoping to take out the CEO but only manages to kill the receptionist and himself in the blast.
Ernestine Borgnine, a woman with physical beauty to match her name, is killed instantly.
The CEO is on a golf course at the time. He texts "bummer" to his PR firm, confident that they will paraphrase his quote into an appropriate statement for the media. They do not disappoint. According to news reports, he said, "I am both shocked and saddened by the terrible events of today. My prayers go out to Ernestine's family, her boyfriend Shifty, and their beautiful special-needs child Mongo. I would like to take this opportunity to encourage everyone to honor Ernestine's memory by continuing to purchase our fine office supplies."
After a couple of weeks and a two-part TV news special "Animal Porn in the Office: Are We Doing Enough?" the story is quickly forgotten, which suits those closest to Ernestine just fine. They just want to get on with their lives. This is especially true for Shifty, who is in the market for a new girlfriend and doesn't want a bunch of reporters hanging around and cramping his style.
The explosive material was in fact C-4 and not dynamite. Nor was it in the shape of a penis but rather a lump of plastic explosive molded to fit the interior of a codpiece the perpetrator purchased at from a crafts booth at the Renaissance Faire. However, it did detonate and it did deal death. The headline was therefore half factual, putting it on a par with the rest of the article.
What really happened is an all-too familiar story. Kurt Kurtz is fired after being repeatedly warned to remove the animal-porn screensaver from the computer in his cubicle. After being denied unemployment benefits because he was dismissed for misconduct, he vows revenge. He straps a bomb to his crotch and drives to his former workplace, hoping to take out the CEO but only manages to kill the receptionist and himself in the blast.
Ernestine Borgnine, a woman with physical beauty to match her name, is killed instantly.
The CEO is on a golf course at the time. He texts "bummer" to his PR firm, confident that they will paraphrase his quote into an appropriate statement for the media. They do not disappoint. According to news reports, he said, "I am both shocked and saddened by the terrible events of today. My prayers go out to Ernestine's family, her boyfriend Shifty, and their beautiful special-needs child Mongo. I would like to take this opportunity to encourage everyone to honor Ernestine's memory by continuing to purchase our fine office supplies."
After a couple of weeks and a two-part TV news special "Animal Porn in the Office: Are We Doing Enough?" the story is quickly forgotten, which suits those closest to Ernestine just fine. They just want to get on with their lives. This is especially true for Shifty, who is in the market for a new girlfriend and doesn't want a bunch of reporters hanging around and cramping his style.
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